Monday, July 16, 2012

Notre Doom


The curtain opens to reveal the "Wastelands of Purgatory" - a vast desert featuring bleak vistas of dull rocks where all of college football goes between seasons.

Enter stage left - an elderly man wearing a black, ten gallon hat. He is DeLOSS DODDS the athletic director of the University of Texas.


I have a confession. A confession, that in the telling, will  prove me an unlikable sort - petty, egotistical and vain.Yet, (PAUSE) I beg you to listen just the same as my words may strike home in the ears of like-minded souls who happen upon this telling and judge me less harshly than the multitudes who trudge upon the earth without ever tasting the sweet wine of power and glory. (DODDS removes his hat and continues to address the audience.)

A man, like myself, late in his years and fearful in the knowing that his end is much closer than his beginning, has the right to turn his thoughts to his legacy. He has the right, nay, nay, nay - the duty, to mint the terms applied to his name after his departure. And in this thinking - amidst the knowing - the man has the god-given right to plot and scheme his way to glory.

(DODDS replaces his hat upon his head and walks about the stage. He kneels and takes a handful of sand in his hand and lets it slip through his fingers.)

But what glory? To set astride the bovine juggernaut and navigate the chaotic waters to obtain the greatest riches ever known - is that not glory enough? To set the bovine upon the march of champions and see the quest delivered - is that not glory enough. I think not. I am only well thought-of -- not deified. The public, those admiring masses who think of the bovine as they would a god upon Mount Olympus and never question the direction of our thoughts or actions think well enough of me. Ay, they think well of me. As if I were some favorite uncle who happened upon their Christmas party with a small gift and fanciful tale to amuse them -- that will never do.

(DODDS stands and rubs his hands together in a worried gesture.)

They do not love me or think me grand and for that I must embark upon a quest to reveal their error and bestow upon my head a crown of glory.

(DODDS paces back and forth quickly franticly.)

But what device? What road must I travel to obtain this crown? What dragon must I slay?

(DODDS stops pacing and grows quiet.)

DELOSS DODDS I have an idea! Last year, at this time, our fellowship was broken. Our future was as bleak as Rich Rodriquez's heart, our doom was at hand... and it was at the feet of our great bovine empire that blame was laid. No thought to the jealousy of our brethren, no thought to greed that made them flee, and certainly no thought to the bovine sacrifice that kept the fellowship whole.  And now, one full year later, our fellowship is strong and profitable. What was weakness is now strength. (Pause.. Slower) But could be stronger. Our vast riches could be more bountiful, our fame could even eclipse the gods in Birmingham. If only I could catch the leprechaun and add his gold to our horde.

(DODDS looks left and sees someone in the distance. He takes one hand and uses it to shield his eyes from the sun.)

DELOSS DODDS Look! (Points to the left) Yonder is one Swofford. A man of considerable means and ruthless in his actions. In his pocket he has a talisman of great power. A symbol of the Seminole nation that imbues him with riches and tradition.  The leprechaun holds Swofford in high esteem and often has long talks with Swofford as they share rich wine and aged cheese. By separating Swofford from his Seminole sigil and placing the same within my own pocket I too could enthrall the leprechaun and together, with my own bovine appeal, make the leprechaun a member of our fellowship.

(Places his hands upon his hips and looks smug.)

But Swofford is as intelligent as he is ruthless. To ruse the man I must contrive a distraction and drive him to it and beyond.

(Again DODDS begins to pace.)

Ah ha! To engineer my ruse I'll need a foil. One of sound mind and solid reputation who will appeal to Swofford as one of his own. I'll set them one against the other and when Swofford is distracted by his machinations I'll take my prize. 

(DODDS removes his cowboy hat)

First I'll pen a letter to my most favorite lieutenant Bowlsby and set him against Swofford immediately. They, being of like minds and tastes, will become fast friends and soon Swofford will be at ease. And when he is at ease I will strike. Now on to plot and plan and set the events to action.

(Dodds replaces his hat and smiles broadly)

Watch now as I become the puppet master and Swofford and good lieutenant Bowlsby dance to my tune.



  1. Deloss Dodds and the Texas Longhorns:
    Still scared as $#@? to play the Seminoles.

    FSU vs the other "legendary" non-conference powers not in the southeast all-time.....

    FSU vs ND 5-2
    FSU vs Ohio State 3-0
    FSU vs USC 2-0
    FSU vs Nebraska 6-2

    Granted Oklahoma has always had the Seminoles' number, but still, I commend them for scheduling the home and home the last couple of years. Texas has always refused to play FSU. Even Alabama refused after '74 until 2007 (guess it'll be a while again 21-14).

  2. Great article, by the way. Well written.

  3. I've never seen DeLoss wear a cowboy hat.

    Most Texas-Exes that I know would embrace having FSU and/or Clemson in the Big 12. Notre Dame? Good for TV ratings and revenues, but...meh. A has-been program.